bollywood · Finance

Wachovia-Citi-Wells story – Bollywood ishtyle

Background

 

Citigroup, the biggest U.S. bank by assets, is bidding for Wachovia while trying to rebuild after $61 billion of losses tied to the collapse of mortgage markets. The bank wants to buy parts of Wachovia for about $2.16 billion. Wells Fargo is bidding about $15 billion for the whole company. Wachovia said the Wells Fargo bid is a better deal for investors, its workers and taxpayers because, unlike Citigroup, it doesn’t rely on U.S. assistance. Biggest cause of Wachovia’s problems is attributed to Golden West merger in 2006.

 

This current scenario makes me wonder how the entire plot could inspire some bollywood director. Some terms you need to be familiar with:

Golden West = Golden Vest (soney ki banian)

Wells Fargo = Kuan Door Jao (Shah Jahan, Noor Jahan kinda name – hee hee)

FDIC = US gov regulator assumes role of Father of Daughter in Crisis. Whichever way you look at it, Father of daughter, in crisis or Father of (Daughter in crisis), both are true

 

Bollywood masala in association with JilpaJalsa Productions presents:

 

Sethji was a successful moneylender. After amassing billions of dollars, Sethji started playing an advisory role to his children’s independent businesses. In today’s troubled economy, Sethji, however is not a happy man. He is not sure how he is going to get his daughters married off. Sab kuch hain, magar sukh nahin hain.

 

His favourite daughter, Mita (nick named Whacko) was a gold lover, particularly fond of superhero attires. Among other collectibles, she had gold Phantom underwear, gold Superman’s dress. Two years ago she bought a rare golden vest thinking that it could be sold later at a much higher price. She paid 25 bn (!!!!) for the vest, much to the chagrin of her dad. Today is a different situation. Gold prices have sunk and nobody is interested in vests any more. The golden vest is only worth 5 bn today. On top of that, aggressive business strategies have led to Whacko becoming a poor girl.

Sethji’s 2 other daughters, Wamu Seth and Indu Max have gone bankrupt too. Sethji is so troubled, his enemies have begun calling him names in open. Samaaj mein aaj Sethji ka naam FDIC hain – Father of Daughter in Crisis.

 

FDIC approaches Panditji, an old time friend. They meet at Battery Park, NYC.

 

FDIC:

“Panditji, meri izzat aapke haat mein hain. Mujhey bacha lo. Aapke bête seeti ko whacko se shaadi kara do”.

Panditji:

“Dekhiye Sethji, yeh humarey liye bahut khushi ki baath ain. Main abhi mera dikra, seeti ko bulaatha hoon. Hum whacko ka dhandhaa sambhaalengey aur aapko 2 bn bhi dengey. Agar uske oopar dhandhey mein kuch problem hua, tho woh aap humey dengey. Manzoor?”

FDIC:

“Manzoor, panditji. Bilkul manzoor, aap dhanya ho, aap mahaan ho, aapney aaj meri izzat bachaa lee. Ek acchhaa din dekh kar humarey ghar aayiyegaa, saari baathein hum pukka karengey. Shaadi agley maheeney ki dus ko shaadi hogi meri wall street ki haveli mein”

 

Meanwhile, Whacko calls up KuanDoorJao (KDJ). KDJ was a business rival for a long time but KDJ loved Whacko after they had met at a conference several years ago. He had approached Whacko earlier, “Whacko, main chahtha hoon ki hum saahdi kar ley, naa hee humara bujiness bahut badhaa ho jayega, magar main tumhey raani ki tarah rakhoonga.”

 

Flashback Dream song …. Dhin chak dhin chak

 

KDJ was surprised and choked when he heard Whacko.

Whacko:

“KDJ, mujhey manzoor hain. Kya aaj bhi tum mujhse utna hi pyaar karthey ho?”

KDJ:

“Bilkul, Whacko, mujhey pathaa tha ki ek na ek din meri ichhaa poori ho jayegi. Bhagwaan ne meri sun lee. Khushi ke is maukey par main tumaherey company ko bachaaney ke liyey, 15 billion doonga. Hum saath saath hain jaane man, humey koi ab judaa nahin kar sakthaa“.

 

Today dream song …. dhin chak dhin chak.

 

KDJ and Whacko reach Sethji at his haveli: “Papa, humey aashirwaad do”.

FDIC:

“Dekho main jaantha hoon ki sab ke liyey yeh acchhaa hain magar main vachan de chukaa hoon”.

 

Enter Panditji and Seeti:

“ha ha ha Sethji, hum yeh shaadi nahi hone dengey. Agar whacko ki shaadi hui, tho sirf seeti ke saath hogi. Yeh KDJ kahaan se aa gaya? Jab aapko humari zaroorat thi, humney sab kuch daav pe rakh kar aapko bachaane ka vaada kiya, shaadi ke cards bhi baat dee. Haan, ek tareeka hain!! Agar aap chahey tho humey 60 bn de warnaa hum bhi majboor hain”.

 

Dekhthey hain Aagey kya hoga …

 

Interval ke baad!

 

 Panditji and Seeti:

“KDJ, time waste muth kar, dafaa ho jaa yahaa se.”

 

Fight scene … dishum dishum  … KDJ and Seeti fights choreographed by yesteryear dada Shetty with assistance from Jason Statham’s personal stunt advisor.

 

When seeti pulls out a gun, Sethji stands in front of KDJ. Fight stops, both seeti and kdj are bleeding. whacko runs to get a first aid kit and attends to KDJ.

 

Whacko:

“Nahin, yeh kya ho raha hain, papa?”

 

FDIC:

“Dekhiye, panditji, maanaa ki galathi ho gayee. Magar aaj ke zamaane mein, I cannot propose a draupadi type solution. Ek tareeka hain! Agar aap chaahey tho meri bachhee ka bujiness se thoda portion khareed lo and let the kids live happily ever after”.

 

Pandijti:

“Seeti beta, chalo, hum soch samajh kar jawaab denge. ab chal ghar. tumhari is bewakoofi ki wajah se pulis ya media ko khabar chali gayi tho doob jayengey, naalayak!”

 

News from Washington is awaited to inspire Bollywood masala further …..

 

 

 

 

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