random thoughts · story

Cribs of Shiva


Shiva has returned from Hyderabad to Mt. Kailash just one hour before the All Gods’ Party Night.
Parvati: Why are you so sad, my lord?
Shiv: Times have changed, Paro. Stop calling me, my lord. Address me as Shiv, just Shiv.
Parvati: What happened?
NTB (Nandi the Bull): I am hungry 😦
Shiv: See, Nandi could transport me anywhere before. We would make pit stops at will and Nandi would graze peacefully. Today, his favorite forests have multi-storied buildings and Man has become less and less concerned about the environment. Even Velachery, in Chennai, used to be a forest just 30 yrs ago, Nandi would meet his dear deer friends, catch up on old times, eat, sleep and we would come back to Kailash.
Parvati: But we have so much grass at Kailash. The Himalayas have great quality grass for your followers.
Shiv: Talking about grass, don’t you know that we are all brands. These sadhus think they can get away with anything. Just because we Gods are invisible, doesn’t mean we don’t exist. I saw a photo of a sadhu smoking ‘ganja’ and trying to call me. He kept saying, Shiva, Bham Bhole Nath etc but I ignored him. The whole world now thinks I smuggle illegal drugs into Kailash. Even our kids, Ganesh and Kartik wanted to know what this was all about.
Parvati: What is the true problem, Shiv? Relax. Here, let me fix a drink for you, take this – this herbal juice is made from special herbs and will relax you.
Shiv: Thanks, P. I am now being summoned by the devotees of Ramalinga Raju. He has got arrested and what can I do? That dude was a regular visitor and kept offering me cheques. All those checks have bounced. No valid checks for me and no balances (sheets) for him!
Parvati: Why don’t you try travelling atop one of these airlines and get some dollars from America?
Shiv: That’s a sad story. I tried using the longest and cheapest airline option – along the way, Nandi and I observed that man uses his flying toy to play ‘bomb bomb’ more than before.
Parvati: Why don’t you stop them, Shiv? Even the Mumbai attacks – how could you just witness everything and be a mute spectator? And what do your friends, Allah and Jesus say?
Shiv: See, you have to understand that we are all helpless. We can only reward points and affect an individual’s next birth. For example, if Mother Teresa did good things, for each activity I would give her 50 points. If a priest at Kathmadu doesn’t know the prayers but goes through the prayer process incorrectly, I would take 50 points away from him because he is cheating people in the name of God. In other words, every day, along with Yama and the Supreme Force, we sit, discuss and do the final points tally before deciding what the next birth will be for individuals. We do not have control on what they do – of course, I could have caused a tsunami or earthquake or floods. But that would have meant that I am terrorizing the already messed up lives of mankind.
Parvati: Then, what is your problem, honey? Money?
Shiv: Yes, Money too! Allah and Jesus at least have monopoly. I have competition from so many of us. Ram, Krishna and even our sons and sisters, cousins – everybody is a God. We have to be careful, men fight over who is bigger, me or Vishnu? When I did a pit stop at SV temple, Pittsburgh and met Venkat, he was joking and said, see how people with names that have both Rama and Linga are out to malign us. Why can’t he have a different name? That Venkat fellow has lotsa money from India, US and everywhere else, I say!
Parvati: Ask him to check if he gets forged money and invalid checks. If he has more, he also has that much more to lose, too.
Shiv: The trucker strike in India has affected our transportation network as well. Nandi is sick and tired of venturing out as most of the land is urbanized. Forests are being used as natural bunkers and hiding places for terrorists and Veerrappan like bandits. Nandi fears he may be hit by a bomb. Other animals have also demanded an increase in benefits, insurance and better living conditions. They want the Gods to control, alt delete – shut down the universe, and restart. Just get back to where it all began, the big bang theory days. You know, Ganesha’s mouse almost got tempted during Ganesh Puja at Chicago. Next to our son’s idol, they had rat baits and mouse traps. Fools! How can Ganesh reach them if he doesn’t have transportation? Even Yama’s bull is threatening to kill himself without Yama’s permission.
Shiva’s Nandi and Parvati’s Lion: Loud baah and louder Grrr, respectively!!
Parvati: Mrs. Yama said that their bull is scared to travel oversees because he hates to become a hot dog. My lion is weak because animals in the world are getting punier, dying or ending up in zoos.
Shiv: Remember, how Bullosaurus and Lionophodon were so effective in those days. Dinosaurs were in a different league of their own. Last year, I wanted to use Aston Martin or Jaguar cars or jets and even got the director of that James Bond movie, Die Another Day, where they make cars disappear. He is an arrogant man and made fun of me. He says, that was computer graphics and just an optical illusion. He says this to me, the Invisible God, the Avatar of Illusion!! %$#@!
Parvati: Remember the Tamil saying, Shiv, “showing torchlight to Sun”? That’s what it is! What about your plan to go in your human form to Atlanta?
Shiv: No hotel stays after what happened in Mumbai, my love!
Parvati: What is your plan now?
Shiv: I am taking the day off and shall decide on future action plan after I get up. What was that herbal drink? It is making me burp and I am hungry too.
Parvati: Jalzeera with Coke, some cinnamon, cardamom and cumin seeds with khus khus. Yesterday, I poured the leftover from my glass in the garden and even plants love it!
Shiv: Enough, just put on the music, let me take my frustrations out with Tandava Nritya!

Within minutes, all Gods converge at Kailash despite transportation problems. Garuda, the eagle, Adishesha, the serpent, thousand horses of Vayu, Agni’s ram, the seven swans of Brahma, Indra’s Airavat, Ganesha’s mouse assemble. Lakshmi is also there on her Owl and is complaining about counterfeit notes and coins to Vishnu.

Parvati: Ganesha. Please put the lightning switch on for the disco effect. And put that song which father likes. Shiv loves music by Young Shiv King (Yuvan Shankar Raja for mortals!)
Music playing:
Where is the party? Kailasathi-la party
Aa, Where is the party? Palanee-la party
Aaa, Where is the party? Sabarimala-la party
Dappankoothu is the dance of the day – performed by all the Gods except Shiv, who is doing Tandava, remember?
Ranga, the party crasher is hidden behind some bushes with Aarthi and Rishitha and attempting to emulate Yamadonga NTR Jr. Boom, crash! He is rudely awakened by the sound of his sadistic alarm clock!
Time to get set for work! Have a nice day folks!

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6 thoughts on “Cribs of Shiva

  1. ROTFL 😀

    LOL – Romba nanna ezhidarel. Super fun!

    Ranga: thanks for the compliment. romba romba nanri. thank god Shiva has a bull named Nandi and not a cow. apporam i would have had to send a petition to shiva perumal 😉

  2. Amazing sense of humor. This beats even George bush I say !!

    Just a coupla things

    1. How many points would lord Shiva debit to your account, had he read this post?
    2. And BTW Chennai is still a forest (I love Chennai!!)
    3. Instead of the deferred debit and credit system, do you think an Instant payback system should resolve the issue? What says??

    Ranga: Dubyaman cannot be matched! Bush is relocating to India, u know? He has claimed that Indians love him like anything. That too was conveyed in a Man-mohani-attam dance recital by our PM.
    With infinite negative points, doesnt matter how many points Shiva deducts from my account now
    If Jug Suraiya was from Chennai, his column would be Jungular Vein, then, eh!
    With mortgage crisis and sub prime related matters, no instant schemes, Gods are very long term players. But I shall send a mail to Shakar dada @ shankardadambbs@kailash.com to reconsider with a cc to you 😉 (note: shankardadambbs = shankar dada matlab bham bholenath shiva)

  3. TS campus at Adyar, Chennai, is a lovely forest .lotsa greenery in Guindy. but yes, lotsa de-for in the rest of the city and country

    1. Thalaiva, romba nanri! Thanks so much for the great compliment. I know we both are fans of Thalaivar KA Anney and this kind of a compliment coming from you is very encouraging 🙂

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