random thoughts · story

Chai with Ram

After reading the post, Cribs of Shiva, a good friend wanted to know about Vishnu too. A meeting was arranged with Lord Vishnu through an anonymous contact.
Unlike mortals who suffer from multiple personality disorder (MPD), and movie makers who never get bored of making movies on MPD, Vishnu absolutely loves this condition. He held my hand and I got to experience orbing to different places across the world. The Lord was also shifting from one personality to another with such ease – it would have certainly inspired Ulaganayakan Lotus + Place in Karnataka, Kamal Hassan. One moment, Vishnu was a fish, diving into the Arabian Sea and coming out as a turtle from Bay of Bengal, the other, he scared me by roaring like a lion. We orbed and landed at Paris. The long legged damsels enticed him to morph into Parashuram in a bid to turn on the Axe effect. Since a Man with an axe was not an ideal way to crank up forces of magnetic pulling for the French sthreeling, he donned Casanova Krishna personality. Just like Shiva was cribbing about the Sadhus, Krishna too has similar bhakts who were maligning his brand.
As a mere mortal, I could handle Anniyan – understand Rules Ramanujam, Rampwalk Remo and LBW Anniyan (LBW = lamba baal waala), but being with Vishnu overwhelmed me. The compassionate Lord understood and agreed to remain in one form – Ram. We orbed again and landed at Munna Dhaba, a crowded dhaba in Ayodhya, where a boisterous crowd of sadhus were having dinner. Ram, in a human form with ordinary clothes and yours truly (YT), settled on a chaarpai & ordered masala chai. Munna placed a wooden plank across the khatia, and Ram began talking.
Ram: Men are selfish. When they want something, they come to me. I pity and help. But they give me no credit.

YT: Can you give me examples? Are you only referring to Hindus here?

Ram: Not just Hindus. You must do your homework better – Buddha is also my avatar, an independent brand. Don’t ask politically incorrect questions like Buddha, the CM. Coming to the point, take this example. Hollywood actor, Stallone, was a small time B grade adult movie star till he came to me. He cried and did not know what to do with his body and muscles. When I told him how I got married to Sita by lifting the bow and strung it, he prostrated himself. That is when he promised to act in RamBow and ungrateful that he is, removed the W and named it Rambo!

YT: Oh my God! Really? But Buddha or Balarama – who is your avatar?

Ram: Yes to Stallone question and no comments to other dumb question. He used a replica of the Bow I had lifted in one scene, and privately dedicated that scene as a tribute to Me!

YT: So, you like movies? What other movie stars have you helped? Favourite actors?

Ram: Just few months back, south star Vijay and Prabhu Deva came and asked me for the Bow (Villu). I gave them Villu but they proved wrong the theory ‘where there is a villu, there is a way’. What a terrible movie they have made! Not a bad title song, though. Favorite heroine is Rambha and actor is Ram – what a dancer!

YT (with goose pimples): You are amazing. What about cricket? Any predictions for IPL?

Ram: I like cricket. I followed the IPL as well. A leading actress shall be approached by Vijay Mallya to cheer for Bangalore RC in IPL and she will also have a 20% stake. Then, she will appear in Kingfisher’s calendar for 2010. That is when her name will change to Vekka May-Illiya to rhyme with Vijay Mallya.

YT: Oh. Who? And have you helped any music director?

Ram: Wait and watch. And yes, I did help Nadeem Shravan. Lyricists Sameer and Faiz Anwar stole an old song and changed some words. Another bunch of ungrateful men! Remember, this song, “Dekha hain pehli baar, Saajan ki aankhon mein pyaar, dankanaka danaka naka”? That was first sung by Khara and Dooshan when Surpanakha turned up in the Panchavati forest as a beautiful woman. Original song went like this, “Dekha hain pehli baar, Lakshman ki aankhon mein pyaar, Surpanakha Surpanakha”

YT: Wow!! What do you think about Ramalinga Raju?

Ram: Fortunately, nobody knows what a big fan he is. First of all he is obviously not doing any of the Gods any good by having that name! But he likes my MPD. In fact, he was so besotted with my fish avatar that he took its name, Matsya and anagrammed it to name his companies, Satyam and Maytas. That is why there is no Satyam in his accounting and he has been a fishy dude. His plan was to get into fishery business and make it part of Satyam in 2-3 years time. He had even named it Matsya, the original inspiration. His favorite food is Veg Kurma, which is named after my Turtle avatar. Phew, glad he didn’t get a chance to malign me further. Ram Mynampati now has a reputation to keep.

YT: We mortals don’t know any of the real stuff. Being from UP, how do you feel when you are a national and international God?

Ram: It was tough in the beginning. But customizations are fine. True to my name, I don’t like to Ramify. Tamil families follow the philosophy, “When with Ram, be a Raman”, they name kids Raman and not Ram. Even Sitaram becomes Sitaraman, you have Jayaraman, Muthuraman, Janakiraman and so on! Gults call me Ramudu, Bongs, Ramo … I am comfortable with fame and affection that people have for me. But it is embarrassing when Ravanas of the world are defended in courts by lawyers like Ram Jhootbolni. It is insulting to see horrible directors make horror movies and call themselves Ramsay. I have a boar avatar but the Western world named the sheep, zodiac sign of the Aries after my name. Hmmm … with great power comes great responsibility. And I am extremely patient.

YT: Talking of patient, who is your doctor? And what about Ram Gopal Varma? Have you seen his movies?

Ram: I am my doctor and his name is Dr. Dhanvantari

(YT seeing *****).

I have seen RGV’s earlier films. Nowadays, how can I? In Rangeela, Urmila was sizzling on the silver screen, singing, ‘Hai Rama, yeh kya hua?’ – That was a little too much. Did you know that it was a slip of the tongue by Hariharan? The actual lyrics read “Hai Kama, Yeh kya hua?”

YT: No, I didn’t.

Ram: One last question and I have to go.

YT: Bless me, Oh Lord and when is Kalki avatar coming?

Ram: That is Kal Ki Baat, you’ll know later.

YT: Thanks my lord

Orb once more and in a flash, I am back to Pittsburgh. YT rubbing eyes and saying main kahaan hoon? Grrrr ….. RAM RAMbling amongst RAMbunctious followers in a dhaba in these days of RAMpant recessionomics – this is too much! Aiyyo RAMa, what chemicals are these Americans using to grow non-organic vegetables and fruits?! Luckily, my mind is hurriedly RAM-ming into consciousness lane, driving me out of Highway Crazy and taking a RAMp onto Exit Reality.

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3 thoughts on “Chai with Ram

  1. Hilarious!!
    Loved the “Rambow” part, since I didnt see that coming!
    Ramalinga Raj connection was good too – Matsya to Satyam to Maytas , nalla connection!
    Funnies one was the answer in the lines of ‘When with Ram, be a Raman’. Raman, Ramudu and Ramo – too good!
    like it says in the stephen king book that I was reading, ‘You think sideways’. 🙂
    Ranga: hee hee, as long as u r not calling me sidey, romba dhaanks 😉

  2. LOL!!! Wonder how Rama would react after reading this post! RamBow and Vekka May-illaya were my favourites! Kalakarel Rangu!

    Ranga: How would Ram react? Answer is Ramjaane 😉 My favorite was the song, i kept humming the tune for a couple of days, surpanakha surpanakha … 😀 romba kujaalsaa ikeedhu baa, thanks

  3. Hey Ram !!!

    You have been on the spree of taking the case of all Gods I guess Ranga errrr… Ram(n)ga… Neways good that you leave alone mere mortals like us and attack the Gods.. They deserve it !!! huh !!!

    Ranga: Ram Ram.
    Gods’ story is also case – u fully in mba mode, i can see that.
    Jai shri Ram

    ?

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