One Mangalore pub incident has had too many ripple effects and I wanted to bring to light some of the chain reactions not reported in the media.
I heard from my LIC agent that he was anticipating intense competition. He was crestfallen because of an aggressive move to make the general people of India, LIC agents!! All this started from Mangalore, where a group of brothers swung into action. They couldn’t control themselves when they saw their dear sisters drinking alcohol and dancing to the diabolical tunes generated by long haired Cacaphonixes belonging to various metal bands – how metallic, err … ironic.
The brothers turned bhais for the sake of their siblings and also for Mother India, whose culture had been mocked at by these indecent women. One good natured Hyderabaadi bhai remarked, “Maaki kirkiri, yeh pottiya India ka izzat baingan mein milaa diya kehthey!”
I consoled my agent, Alex Kutty and explained to him that Indian public had to remove, ‘pub’ from the word public and he had wrongly assumed that his competition had increased infinite times. Kutty uncle was so relieved, he even shed a tear of joy in public, err … in lic. Since yesterday, leading insurance giant, LIC has started advertising with a jingle that goes, “Yeh LIC hain, sab jaanti hain, yeh LIC hain” … music is same as the old song in Roti with similar lyrics.
Another gentleman, Manjunatha, who is currently working in a reputed software company in Mangalore, met one of the activists. The cultural preservationist tells him that the word Mangalore means Man Galore, i.e. men in abundance. In such a place, how can a woman go to drink in a pub and that too, one which is called Amnesia? Manjunatha’s wife pointed out that if you remove Gal from Mangalore, it will become Manore (she meant Manure!) Different perspectives, eh!
The Sri Ram Sena meanwhile is happy that their act of Indian culture preservation has given them lot of publicity. In-fighting has started and they plan to move a petition to change the word publicity to licity and a group of activists are planning to attack Oxford dictionary publishers!! Aaah, the publishing company has to redefine its business as a lishing house or face the wrath of the cultural revolutionaries. The cunning use of the word pub anywhere in a word shall be severely dealt with – where severely implies use of arrows and bows, to be precise!
An erotic story teller, Dick Waters, has received a warning not to write on anything relating to the pubes or pubis. Seeing the email warning that was followed by a subsequent dharna outside his home in Hartford, Connecticut, Dick changed his career path. By the way, given the economy state, it has come to light that this Dick scare project has been implemented by a group of unemployed youth in the US. Reverse outsourcing is a reality. An un*lished photograph of Dick aesthetically expresses his shock when he encountered a group of black and white youth shouting in Hindi outside his home. This photo is an exclusive property for RR News. Dick is now studying integrated circuits (IC) in a community college famous for technical education. Career shift from Pubic to IC is a remarkable journey for the young erotic writer. Rumor is rife that locals now call him Maadhar Board.
Indian Americans in Republican Party shall have to either become Democrats or call their party Relican from now on. A senior official in Indian Government has said that Indian Republic shall become Indian Relic if these attacks continue on women.
A good friend of mine, Chimpu Basu, has changed his name to Chim Asu and colleagues at his office in downtown Boston are unable to guess his nationality anymore.
I also heard that the Chinese chefs in India are a dejected lot. When I asked Chi Ken Chow, a *lic figure in Tangra area of Kolkata, famous for everything Chinese, he told me what he had heard. Several other chefs in his locality had informed that all over the country the Sainiks will attack women eating noodles!! I was amused and shocked at the same time. Chi Ken called me later and explained that this was a classic case of Chinese whisper. The actual news was that women wearing noodle strap dresses will face fury. After a series of miscommunications, the chefs got unnecessarily worried about noodle consumption. Alls well at Tangra – thankfully.
Celebrity spy, Chupaa Rustam has reported that Mandira Bedi was spotted at Nallis in Chennai after the noodle strap threat. Her stylist, Alec Vega (co-incidentally an anagram of cleavage) has been fired and she has recruited Adakka Vadakkammal, a 78 year old Tambaram (Chennai) resident as her new stylist. Mandira is also changing her name to suit Indian culture and shall be henceforth known as Womandira Mati. Charu Sharma has been admitted to Manipal Hospital after a mild heart attack when he got this culture shock news.
The attack has generated a different revenue stream from a surprising source. Cricket Australia (CA) has asked Andrew Symonds to spend 3 months at Mangalore and shall approach Muthalik Sir to be the disgraced cricketer’s psycho-therapist. This is Symonds’ last opportunity to forget about pubs. The Australian *lic is appealing to CA (more fervently than Shane Warne ever appealed to umpires, according to Warne himself) to force Symmo baba to try this new therapy. In the meantime, Bhajji insidiously sent a sms to Symonds saying it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Like a snake in the grass, he also pointed out to Symonds that Lord Rama’s army had consisted of monkeys. As this respectable group in Mangalore is also called Sri Ram Sena, Indo Australian diplomatic ties are the risk of snapping, thanks to the irresponsible veiled comments by Padmashri Harbhajan.
Lastly, if pubs are going to be banned, sure enough, Bangalore will live up to its name – Ban Galore and that will be a dark day in many people’s lives.