Cricket · random thoughts

Cricket – Kal, aaj aur kal


Pre-requisite:
You will need to know Hindi to follow this post. If you don’t understand Hindi, this post is not for you then.

***************
What is water?
Is it hydrogen first and then water or oxygen first, then hydrogen, then water or what the hell $#@!%?

As Indians, what are we really? Are we Indians first and then Marathis or Tamilians or whatever or vice-versa?

The Balasaheb analysis with supporting logic on why Gavaskar is a true Marathi and not Tendulkar was fascinating. It may be a huge six outside the ground in the pitch of regional politics. Sports and in the Indian context, Cricket in particular, is one area relatively free of region or religion based discriminations. The whole of India is unanimous and boisterous in approval when a good ball is bowled or a good shot is executed. The reaction is the same whether a Sikh (Bedi, Balwinder Sandhu or Bhajji) or a Muslim (Pathan or Zaheer) or a Christian bowler (Binny) took wickets or whether the batsman hailed from Delhi or Bengal or wherever.

Imagine, Dravid dropping a catch at first slip off Bhajji’s bowling so that his statemate Kumble got another opportunity at getting an extra wicket. Or Tendulkar doing the same to make Harbhajan’s figures look worse and give the Powar roller another chance to roll over the ground :-D.

At Kanpur, on the eve of the second test, the dressing room conversations would be like this:

MS Dhoni: Team, lets go out there and win. Bhajji and Mishra, yaar zaraa dekh ke. Aur Ishant, saaley, if you don’t do better, then you will be dropped.

Sehwag and Gambhir: Oye, Dhoni, Ishant gaya tho hum bhi zero pe out ho jayengey

MSD: Arrey yaar, buraa muth maano, please. Ishant, try kar yaar, please. Do delhi waaley hain tho teesra free. Zaheer bhai, aap pe sab kuch dependent hain is baar. Opening spell mein do teen wickets nikaalo na.

Zaheer Khan: Is Ishant ke kaaran mera concentration bigad jaata hain. I want Irfan Pathan back. He was great – left handed bowler, from Baroda and we could discuss matters of religion too. Uske bhai ko bhi bhagaa diya. This is one area, where even Narendra Modi can help me and screw you. Baat karun kya Lalit Modi ke saath? Irfan kab aa rahaa hain waapis? Uska average tho tera Raina se better hain.

MSD: Arrey yaar, chod na. Focus focus, we are Indians first. Ab mera problem ko samajh. Srikanth tho Balaji ko layega na? Main compromise kiya aur tere wastey, Sreesanth ko laa rahaa tha Ishant ki jagah par. Lekin usko aaj tak woh thappad ki goonj sunai de rahi hain. He doesn’t want to be in the same team with Bhajji. Ab Bhajji ko kaise drop karein?

Zaheer: Saala, us goonj ki goonj mujhey nahi sun naa. Aur Woh Malayalee tho poora paagal hain!

VVS: Abbey saalo, tum North Indians bahut political game khelthey, kehthey. Ek Azharuddin kya naam bigaada, Venu Rao ko chance bhi nahin diya kisi ne. Mera haalat dekho, har do test ke baad, I have to prove myself that I am good enough to be in the team. But see, we are great, dekha na tumhey, kaisey Deccan Chargers ne jeet daala IPL. Dhoni, teri tho botiyaa kaat ke biryani khaaya mera Gilly.

MSD: Abbey, chup saaley idli wada.

In walks Kris Srikkanth: Dayee, Dhoneee …. Saala idli wadaa sambhar chutney ko kuch bola tho tereko replace kar doonga aur banaa daalega Dinesh Karthik ko Captain. Aur one down hoga Murali Vijay aur 2 down Badrinath. Yuvraaj and terko South Indian heroines se milney bhi nahi doonga.

***************

Gary Kirsten doesn’t understand a word of the above conversations but intelligently guesses that not all is fine. So, he aggregates, cleanses and analyzes the dressing room drama data and decides to write to BCCI:

Dear Sirs,

I observe that there is a lot of problem due to pent up frustrations. We should encourage the boys to grow up. They need more sex like adult men. Only then, will they ‘screw’ opposition and ‘give birth’ to better results. Then we can see opposition batsmen ‘ejaculated’ back to the pavilion faster, our batsmen shall start to ‘score’ more freely and we will be the ‘Stud’ team in the near future.

***************

15 years later:

There are 128 teams in the World Cup. The teams in alphabetical order are:

Andhra Pradesh,
Arunachal Pradesh (of India),
Arunachal Pradesh (of China),
Australia,
Bahujan Samaj Party
BJP
…..
Congress (I)

DMK

Madhya Pradesh,
Netherlands,
New Zealand,
Pakistan,
….
Sri Lanka,
Tamil Nadu

West Bengal &
Zimbabwe.

May the best team win!

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