random thoughts · story

Driven out of homes – A news alert

Oh My God! Am I the only one who is witnessing this revolutionary event that should have had the media in frenzy? Or has the media gone to Turkey after Thanksgiving? I mean, have they gone high on turkey and fail to notice what is happening? Let me tell you what this observation is all about. My keen observation is that millions and millions of people have found new homes in the America. People have been ‘driven’ out of their homes and I am investigating the cause for this massive shift in demographical patterns that could give rise to new forms of headaches to marketing experts. Market research companies should get ready for a spike in opportunities and plan to meet increased resource requirements to meet the upcoming never-ever-before-seen demand in understanding this new profile in different cities of America. I am convinced that banks have something to do with this conspiracy. I have placed a few calls to some influential people in the banking industry (including influential folks who handle production systems for some leading banks … Shhh!!). Whether you own a home and are a contributor to the sub-prime recession scam or have anything to do with staying in a house and send checks or drafts to your rental office, you are out, pal. Sorry, I don’t know what happened, but the previous residents of homes are beginning to now live in cars. Confused? Let me take a few steps back and explain.

The impending thrill of stepping on the gas pedal and taking a SUV on the highway was playing on my mind and distracting me. I would smile and often realize that I was smiling amidst people discussing other serious matters because I had been talking or thinking to myself about how beautiful she would be. She, here is the cunning usage of anti-gender discrimination for a road trip with beautiful curves. And by curves, I implied the curves on all the highways. The Mafia Wars (MW) influence began to take over my thought process and I was soon fantasizing about outrunning a cop on the highway. That would help me gain extra experience points and maybe ask for special loot items from the Godfather. After all, if real money could be used to purchase Virtual Reward Points or MW currency, why couldn’t actions in real world be considered for getting some of the legendary kindness of Don Corleone? Maybe the banks sent collection agents or special Mafia Wars thugs or fans to kick people out of their houses but I didn’t see any notification from My Mafia or Facebook. Realizing that I better not adopt the evil Planet Zynga’s fiendishly innovative devious planners’ perspectives, I put my analytical abilities to work. Breaking down things always helps. So, let me go step by step.

What was I seeing in front of me?

I saw the road. On the road, I saw cars of all shapes and sizes. It looked like the animation classic, CARS had become a reality. The cars were talking to each other. The car communication language was discovered by Dr. Horny Honk and the lingo is named after him – Horning, also called Honking.

What else was I seeing in front of me?

The cars were initially static. Slowly but steadily, they began to gain kinetic energy and would move their asses around. But mostly, there was no space to move. Hence, most cars were confined to their positions.

So, what did I think was happening?

Well, all or almost all Americans have decided to take shelter in whatever cars they owned. Some folks have also rented cars to live in. The ‘Enterprise’-ing folks are smiling and thanking their customers.

Fact = Nothing was moving at all.
What was the Reality then? To get an idea, please imagine a traffic hold up of massive proportions. The jam is a configuration of one million cars arranged in 2 or 3 lanes. The distance between each car is anywhere between 8 to 12 feet. All of a sudden, you got to go back to your school physics class and try to revisit the concept of Relative Speed. If two objects move with same speed in the same direction, the relative speed is zero and it looks like there is no movement at all. Now, imagine all these million cars moving at least 65 miles per hour.

After several hours of staring at my neighboring cars, I realized that the fun I was hoping to have by driving around was just like one more of my teenage fantasies (and once more, would I invariably end up saying, Kela ho gaya yaar??). But here I was, cruising along, sometimes pushing the gas to make her go at a greater speed, rarely taking a brake and staying completely awake! Wow!!

I was told that Thanksgiving is the American version of our good old Pongal. I understand that there are no cows to say thanks to or decorate with Holi colors. Or use bovine intervention to determine testosterone levels in our macho villager folks. I am nostalgically reminded of scenes that often make our Tamil film heroes look even larger than their already hyperbolic images. Thanksgiving too is about getting together and thank Harvest related matters. In the process, also indulge in a mass murder of what some also call as the sick men of Europe, aka the hapless unfortunate Turkeys.

(Please scream, in your mind and read the following) But nobody told me that almost the entire country would instead be on the road. That hotels would be overbooked. That some people displaced from homes would try to search for a place to stay in the already overcrowded streets of Times Square in NYC and try to own a piece of the costliest real estate in the world!! Or that people would imagine that they could stay away from homes and occupy every inch available in the casinos or streets of Atlantic City. That, despite the presence of freezing chilly winds that make you realize that gaseous ice is not just a stretch of imagination.

Will keep you updated once the homeless ‘drive’ comes to an end. Expert analysts like me I think that this mayhem will come to an end this Sunday night. And life should be back to normal starting Monday. Stay tuned, while I go and investigate further.

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2 thoughts on “Driven out of homes – A news alert

  1. It went great! Raised quite a bit actually. Which was surprising and gratifying. Are you on FB? If so, you can see the pics there.

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